Tell of His Wondrous Works Series – A Life and Marriage Restored
Part 1 of the series Tell of His wonderous works!
Sing to Him, sing praises to Him; tell of all His wonderous works! (Psalm 105: 2 ESV)
*Disclaimer: If you fear for the safety of yourself or children, please seek immediate help at your local women’s shelter.
Being married has its joys and challenges. Being married to someone with CPTSD can make marriage especially challenging. CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) differs from PTSD in that it results from repetitive trauma, not just a single event.
Over the years, I have often wondered what ministers are thinking as they pronounce wedded bliss over two starry-eyed naïve kids who think all they need is love to make it in this world. Are they privately snickering, “if they only knew…!” or whispering a prayer, or both?
My husband Cory and my courtship was short, and while I would never recommend it, had it been longer we may never have married due to the dysfunction that would later surface. For my husband, his CPTSD caused him to be two different people. He was the wonderful man I had married one moment and a stranger the next - the Jekyll and Hyde effect. Unfortunately, he was a stranger more than a lover for many years.
The Early Years
Things started out wonderfully as they usually do for newlyweds but declined quickly after the first few years. The stress of job change, moving out of state, our first son being born, and a move back in state all took place in a matter of about three months (the job was miserable and not what was offered). This along with my postpartum complications were enough to tear any couple apart. Thoughts of divorce and “this is not what I signed up for” danced around in my mind, always halted by the immovable boulder of the vow I had made before God on my wedding day.
That was the beginning. And there were many more difficult years to come. It was not until 2010 when my husband Cory started having nightmares, flashbacks and memories of childhood abuse that the pieces of our broken lives started to come into focus. The people who were supposed to love, care, and protect him used, abused, and desecrated a sweet little innocent boy. His very being had been completely shattered from a very young age which affected every area of his life. (see his video here). Finally, in 2018 with a correct diagnosis of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (CPTSD) he was able to get a comprehensive treatment plan.
The years between were wracked with strange behaviors; disengagement, controlling, jealousy, rages, nightmares, flashbacks, child-like tantrums, random triggers, suicidal threats, paranoia, hypervigilance, poor financial decisions, chronic health issues, etc. And it is only by the grace of God we are where we are today. I can look back now and praise God He used the following to bring us back from the brink of divorce and made beauty from ashes.
How to be a Biblical Wife
When Cory and I married, I had only been a follower of Jesus for a little over a year and had no idea what the Bible said about my role as a wife. Fortunately, I had the privilege of sitting under the teaching of a godly woman at a local church for about ten years who once a month taught women what it meant to be a godly wife and mother. I learned how to love and honor my husband through my words and actions, to hold him up as the head of the household, to make intimacy a priority, etc. Although we had a long road ahead, I started to see little glimmers of hope as I implemented these principles. To this day I credit this teaching to saving our marriage during those early years.
Speaking/Praying God’s Word
I always thought my prayers fell short and were not quite enough so when I learned about the power of speaking and praying God’s Word, I was ecstatic. I had never thought of praying God’s Word back to Him, but it makes perfect sense. The words of a perfect God have immense power, both here on earth and in the spirit world. After all, God did speak everything into existence. Instead of acting like a victim and constantly rehearsing how horrible my life was, I learned to speak and claim the Truth – God’s Word – and to start agreeing with God instead of the devil. I learned to speak and pray healing over my husband – emotionally, physically, and spiritually and to pray for strength and wisdom for myself and many other petitions for our kids, family, finances, etc. This is not a “name it and claim it” theology. This is simply agreeing with God and believing what He says He has done and will do. While things did not change overnight, I gradually saw the synergistic change not only in others, but in myself as well. This renewed sense of hope fueled my desire to press on and press through.
Self-Care
This cannot be overstated enough: Self-care is a must! It is essential throughout all of life, especially for us women who tend to be the caretakers in the family. But it requires more effort at certain times than others, especially if your spouse is non-supportive whether by choice or disability. For me, self-care included counseling, a safety plan, support groups (on-line and in person), time with family and friends, women’s Bible study, exercise, a healthy diet, delegating chores, time to read books – both for information and pleasure, etc. In fact, it was my counselor who indirectly led us to my husband’s current counselor who has been our best help yet. The safety plan was a very important part of our relationship. We made the safety plan together when things were calm. It included constructive actions for both our well-being when Cory was triggered; distraction to pull him out of a flashback, verbal affirmations, physical distance, agreed on separation by time, location, and event, etc. This was critical for me since I now had an escape from the massive barrage of pain and darkness he would unintentionally heave on me. At times, it was as if I were trying to save him from drowning in a raging sea only to have him pull me under - a task way beyond my capabilities.
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are imperative to every relationship. Unfortunately, healthy boundaries can seem less delineated in marriage where you are to love “for better or for worse” but at what point is worse a no go? While my husband was in counseling from the time he started having flashbacks and nightmares, there were still areas he greatly struggled. Because these issues were problematic and long term, I finally realized they were negatively affecting my health and well-being and separation was imminent until they were resolved. When I told my husband “I can’t do this anymore”, I praise God Cory was willing to get the help he needed, and separation was unnecessary. This included intense outpatient therapy and medication, along with a new therapist skilled in diagnosing and treating CPTSD. The improvement was significant. We also read the Boundaries in Marriage book/workbook* (Cloud & Townsend). Cory was skeptical at first since to him, boundaries meant abandonment or “stay away” at the very least. Once he read about healthy boundaries he was shocked. As an abused child he had never learned of boundaries, much less healthy ones. As with all good things from God, it was another beautiful and precious gift to our marriage.
The Prize
We said our “I do”s over 26 years ago and I am happy to report we look forward to many more years together! We have fought the good fight long and hard (1 Tim. 6:12) - spiritually, emotionally, financially, etc. That “boulder” of my wedding vow was used by God to keep me from missing the ultimate prize – joining God in His work of saving Cory’s and my life and our marriage from the enemy whose only desire was to destroy us (John 10:10). Today, my husband is his beautiful true self - most of the time. Neither of us is perfect, but we are completely humbled and in awe at what God has done. He has been our Rock and our Fortress and our Deliverer (Ps. 18:2) and we are forever grateful.
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9 ESV)
Resources
Boundaries in Marriage Book/Workbook* (Cloud & Townsend)
The National Alliance on Mental Illness
Focus on the Family counselor referral
Psychology Today therapist directory
*This post contains affiliate links